Continúa la entrevista al candidato imaginario concedida a un medio imaginario de un país de habla inglesa imaginario:
– Education has been a huge issue for some years. What would you do about it?
– Before I answer that, I would say this to the fucking penguins who almost overthrew Bachelet back in 2006: improve your fucking grades and we’ll talk. The hi-ho about how bad education started this way –with people who had never got a seven, let alone a six or even a five. I’m flabbergasted at the idiocy of the political world, who never check out the fucking kids's grades! The revolution for a better education was started by the very ones who suck at being educated! So of course they blamed every-fucking-body around but themselves. I didn’t see students in the streets who got sevens or six in their classrooms. Most of them were having sex or smoking joints, or doing God knows what. And the fucking hairdos! And the peircings! The parents deserve going to jail for allowing that shit in the first place!
– But you agree that education in Chile is bad and unfair.
– Of course, international tests have demonstrated it, but we knew this way before the fucking kids went to the streets. I only disagree about having fucking lazy and ugly teenagers at the negotiation table telling authorities what to do. Go and squeeze some pimples first, motherfuckers. Go and take a shower first and then we can talk.
– Would you allow lucrative education?
– If some rich motherfucker wants to teach Nuclear Engineering to his or her five-year-old, who am I to stop it? Lucrative education is not the point. The country has already enough resources to finance a fucking-A education for most poor kids. But today every single motherfucker in the way from those funds to those kids gets home a chunk of that money. The Ministry of Education, for instance, is a fucking Godzilla. I’d fire 90 % of their employees, and give the money to schools, so they can have 20 or 25 kids in a classroom, and not 50. This is a country were most can’t read “cock” in a public restroom door, yet teachers have the same social status and income of a delivery pizza boy. Every fucking rookie teacher in this country should earn, I don’t know, 1,5 million pesos a month. But of course no motherfucker under 750 PSU points should put a feet into Education Schools, under penalty of being shot in the head. So yes, I would not only allow lucrative education: I’ll make it lucrative for the fucking teachers in the first place.
– Where are you going to get the money to do that?
– Where? I am going to buy a huge printer and start printing motherfucking money to pay the teachers! From taxes, that’s where I’m going to get the money!
– Nobody’s going to like it.
– From taxes the government already collects, but are either stolen or misused in the way down. Let me give you just one example: The tobacco industry. The fucking assholes who want to kill themselves by smoking give millions and millions of dollars to the government through amazingly expensive taxes –by the way, I’ll refuse public health care to all of them, they’re the jerks who want to kill themselves. Where the fuck is that money? Who knows. Probably in some abstract shitty and overpriced painting bought by the undersecretary of who knows what shit for banging his secretary in a prettier office. And do you want to know who sold that monstrousity? The same undersecretary’s hippie brother who claims to be an “artist” and who, at the same time, got to paint that piece of shit with money given away by Fondart because his brother put two or three cocksucking phone calls to the ministry of culture. So my proposal is simple: fuck the undersecretary of who knows what shit and close his whole fucking office. And certainly fuck Fondart. And the ministry of culture.
– So you claim there’s already resources for a big change in education.
– Are you kidding? There’s a shitload of money around. But of course when you got shit like the ministry of old age, the ministry of the woman, the ministry of the young, the national buyer’s service or the ministry of the ass to give away jobs to the motherfuckers who put two or three posters in the streets when you were a candidate, there’s less and less money for poor kids’s education.
– That’s a very right-view point.
– Because the left is keeping the money and buying 4x4s with it. We are financing the fucking red-set soccer moms! Of course, be the the right the one in power, it would be a very left-wing idea. I don’t give a shit what the name of the idea is, all I fucking care is getting the money to the teachers and so to the kids.
– Do schools have the right to select their students?
– Private schools can do whatever the fuck they want. They can select their fucking kids by the smell of their farts if they want. They can teach mathematics in Roman numbers for all I care. There’s no government money in there, so I don’t give a fuck. When you get government money in, though, I do care. A lot. If I put a fucking five-peso coin on some school’s budget, I care. And I wont let those motherfuckers alone: I want to see those five pesos well spend. And since the public money aim is to give education to every fucking kid who needs it, no, the motherfuckers cannot “select” the kids. They take whoever knocks at their fucking door. The only reason for a school to get rid of a fucking student is that his or her grades are shit.
– How do you see university and college education?
– So far not a single fucking Chilean university has invented or created something important for the rest of the world. Nothing. Nothing in the field of energy, nothing in aeronautics, nothing in computing, nothing in nothing. Two or three copper-related shit for obvious reasons but that is. And yet they suck from government money as if they were Harvard or Oxford! I’ll shut that money off for fucking good unless they work in something real and useful.
– Listen, I don’t care about universities beyond that. They are the ones who are supposed to be smart; they gotta figure the fuck out how to make money for their shit! I’m just the dumb, egotistical and ambitious politician. I am going to be pretty busy trying to get fucking people into work again, after all these years of lazyness and whining!
Next: health care