20080312

Candidato ideal

¿Cómo sería un candidato presidencial como éste? Inventé esta entrevista que dio a un medio extranjero. Esta es la primera parte. Habla sobre energía.
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What are the most important issues for a future government?
– The same old shit. Get people’s asses to work. That’s how you fight poverty. And for that you need energy. And a fucking government that don’t steal. Or at least one not so fucking dumb as the one we got now, that lets everybody get away with chunks and chunks of cash while worried about, I don’t know, stupid and uninportant shit like gender parity.
Let’s start with energy…
– Yeah, let’s start with that. I wanna say this to all the sorry motherfucking environmentalists: fuck you. No dams in Patagonia? Sure, and then no mining in the Great North, no industries in the Metropolitan Region, no wineries in Curico and no fucking ports in Valparaiso! We’ve been our whole history avoiding the Argentines to bomb us into the stone age and now we have this bunch of idiotic phds who wants us back to candle lightning! And when they do it they’ll put a fucking tax on wax!
So you’ll support the hydro projects…
– Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I’ll support the hydro projects. I’ll carry the fucking concrete on my back myself to tap the Baker river if it were necessary.
Energy is a big business. Big corporations will take over the place, charge whatever they want and destroy everything that’s beautiful.
– I got enough balls to fuck with the big corps. Don’t worry about. I’m not giving away the shit. I’m not stupid. I read English and I know that the small print in contracts is to be read. I’ve eaten in good restaurants, you know –just one blowjob is not enough to buy me out. Nor two or three for that matter.
But how would you defend our environment from these greedy corporations?
– By taxing their asses off! They don’t want to pay taxes? Well, fuck ‘em. I’d say to them: Go to Bolivia, motherfuckers. There they got a lot of energy resources to be exploited and oh, they are so in love with gringos! They’ll honour their part of the contracts, sure! You can sure make business with them if they don’t have a coup next week. And if corps are so fucking dumb to actually going to Bolivia, I’ll use the copper savings and build the motherfucking Baker river dam myself! It’s something better than warming the money by being seated on top of it, as we are today, don’t you think?
Taxes do not protect the environment.
– Jesus fucking Christ. I’m not God, you know? I can’t make perpetual motion exist, so I got to get energy somewhere, and I got to fuck something to get the energy –that’s physics, not politics. And we have parks for the fucking nature to grow, anyway.
You sound like a planning minister of Soviet Russia.
– What do you want me to tell you? Let’s go back to the woods? Be hunters-collectors again so nature can rule again? Nature will fuck us at the first chance she’s got. So we got to get her reined in. And if in the process we can get energy from her, great. For crying out loud! You need energy for washing your fucking teeth every morning.
So you’re a hydro fan. What about nuclear energy?
– Sure! Why not? Because of the fucking nuclear waste? We can pay the Bolivians well to keep it buried in their fucking salt fields. They’re not going to produce any fucking thing there in the next two thousand years, so there will remain, untouched. And when the Argentines are finished fucking the rich and beautiful country they got, and run out of everything, we’ll sell ‘em the nuke energy for a lot of money. We can even cut the supply in winter because we fucking want it, don’t you think? Sweet revenge!
You don’t sound very diplomatic.
– And where our fucking diplomacy has gotten us? Chavez, for Christ sake, Chavez! He fucks us everytime he fucking feels he wants to. If you give me two minutes with that asshole, I’ll straighten him up! He’ll be my motherfucking puppy. Peru: they fuck us when they want. Argentina, don’t even mention it. The Bolivians said “not a molecule of gas”, remember? Next thing and Antarctica will have a claim on Cape Horn! I got a limmerick about Cape Horn by the way: There was a man from Cape Horn / Who wished he had never been born / and he wouldn't have been / if his father had seen / that the top of the rubber was torn. We’ve been too kind for too long: nobody fucking respects us. We're the neighborhood's nerd.
We’ll go into foreign affairs later. What about coal?
– Sure, too. But it’s expensive. I’ll go with hydro: the fucking water belongs to us, we don’t have to buy it anywhere.
Coal is the number one culprit of global warming.
– Don’t give me that shit. Give it to fucking Georgie W. or the Russians. We are the arse of the globe in global warming, the world has not noticed yet we even exist!
What about alternative energies?
– Again: I’m not God. The environmentalists are full of shit. These energies cannot compete today with hydro or nuclear, let alone coal or fuel. Envirofreaks like alternative on aesthetic and political grounds, but sell it as if it were... I don’t know, the new wheel. We can have some fucking windmills somewhere, but they won’t solve the problem today. I don’t know in 20 years, but today we’re fucked: we need hydro and nuke.
Solar?
– I’d give it a try. We got the fucking desert up north! We do nothing with it! I’ll put solar panels all over the First and Second regions. Oh, and the Fifteenth! Who was the fucking genious who decided that the Fifteenth region shoud go before the First?!
Let’s go back to hydro. Douglas Tompkins doesn’t want the powerlines over his property.
– I don’t give a shit what Douglas Tompkins does or does not want. The country needs those powerlines. We’ll legally expropiate the fucking terrain we need. He won’t comply? We’ll send the Army to kick his sorry motherfucking ass all over to California again, so he can go back to smoke pot with their fucking baby boomer hippie friends. Shit, we’re a nation, not the country club next door! He thinks his rights are violated? He can sue me. Period.

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